Endings….

In just a few short days, my kids will graduate high school.

I should be proud.

I should feel like something in this messy, crazy life of mine has turned out right.

Like a June Cleaver, look how they’ve grown, what wonderful people they have become, kind of mom.

But, I don’t.

I feel lost. And confused. And scared. And lonely.

I feel like I’m grieving.

Like someone has died.

And, when I say it that way, maybe it’s me. Or a part of me anyway….that has died.

Ends are horrible. I don’t care what anyone says. They are so final.

How do you have something for 18 years, and just let it go?

How do you love something with all of yourself, and just set it free?

How do you have your goal in life, as a parent, come to fruition, only to wish it away?

I am so selfish.

I want, so badly, to go back and witness all of the things that I missed. To correct all of the mistakes that I made. To right all of the wrongs.

I want to watch more plays. More football games. More awards ceremonies.

I want these huge, grown up, independent people to be tiny again.

I want them to hold my hand when they’re crossing the street. Or when they’re nervous. Or, just because they’re little, and I am mommie.

I want them to need me.

And, at the same time, I see that they are so grown. And such beautiful, wonderful individuals.

I see that they are what I have always hoped they would be.

I see that I have always been waiting for this.

I have been hoping for a moment when I could let go….and watch them fly.

And fly they will.

Higher and faster than I have ever flown.

With more grace and triumph than I have ever known.

I made this.

This is my one success.

My one victory.

There is no personal gain for me at this point.

Only loss.

An empty, lonely feeling.

But, for them, the possibilities are endless.

The things they will do are astonishing.

The lives they will live are amazing.

It’s their turn….

Not mine.

It’s ending, and I don’t know how….

2 thoughts on “Endings….

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